June 22nd, 2011

Everyone! I'm now gay!

Reading all those screes and advocacy that come out during Pride Week has helped me seen the light.

Straight romances are evil, disgusting advocates of oppressing and antiquated concepts like religion and patriarchy. Plus, they don't have hot men having sex with each other.

To become a better person, I must read only MM romances - and nothing else - and write online non-stop about how the world will be a better beautiful balloon if hot gay men are allowed to have sex with each other while we all get to watch and bask in our enlightened appreciation of unrelenting sodomy.

There is only one kind of gay men: hot ones who live to let women fawn, sigh and drool over their glittering copulating bodies. The only gay sex that matters is BDSM - every gay guy does it on Friday nights - and every urban gay guy under 21 is a university jock who moonlights as a stripper in a hot night club. Non-urban gay guys are all cowboys.

Everything that is wrong in this world will be solved if everyone is gay and beautiful.

Despite the fact that the world still have problems giving equal rights to people of different religion, color, politicial ideology, and other things, it is only realistic and fair that we charge into organizations like RWA and LAMBA and insist that they give out awards to our favorite authors. Only then will we be making huge advances in ensuring that every hot BDSM gay cowboy callboy will be able to have sex with his Dom.

Sexually explicit gay sex scenes in a novel are educational tools to expose the ignorant mind to the beauty of male same sex coitus.

Lesbians? Trannies? What are these things you are talking about? Everyone knows that being gay means looking like the latest hot Hollywood male celebrity du jour and having hot sex with each other. Don't pollute the beautiful BDSM sphere of hot gay men buggering each other with your weird ideas.

It is okay to call myself a gay man trapped in a straight woman's body in order to claim some credibility in my online arguments with fellow homophobes.

I have boyfriends and/or husbands but I like reading about guys having sex... OMG, I'm a bisexual! Radical!

Everyone who disagrees with me is a homophobe. And a racist. And a... let me go check my college textbook of "ism" words. I bet there are sixteen big words to describe these wretched rejects of humanity who can't appreciate the righteousness of the penis-in-anus dogma. Gay men who disagree with me are secret self-loathing Republican lesbians. Or maybe they are straight men trapped in a gay man's body. What's the big word to describe such a sad psychological condition? Homoterophogynotubbopornophobia? 

Life is too precious to waste time leaving the house and actually taking part in LGBT activism on grassroot levels. There are always blog battles to win, after all, and we all know THAT is the only way the battle can be won.

Despite the fact that I only read MM novels and slash fiction, without truly knowing anything about the history of LGBT activism (Stonewall - isn't that the name of the hot BDSM Dom cowboy from Carol Lynne's latest masterpiece?), I am very well qualified to call myself a LGBT activist who understands what a gay man must feel like living under a repressive regime of oppression.

I have watched Rent 2,654 times, I watch Glee every week, and I read every MM book I can get my hands on when I am not working on my epic slash fanfiction. That proves that I am heavily immersed and active in gay culture. PS: everyone who gives my work a negative rating is a homophobic hater.

Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal are my two most favorite gay activists ever because they have done a lot of good things for the LGBT community, like having sex scenes on film so that me and my girlfriends can watch and wish that we too are hot gay men.

Really, guys, the world will be so much better if we are all gay and beautiful and speaking in a polished upper-class Gosford Park accent.