Mrs Giggles (mrsgiggles00) wrote,
Mrs Giggles

Balogh Idol: Episode 1

Diedre Knight:
Welcome to another exciting round of Balogh Idol, the romance genre's premiere search for the most histrionic martyr in the landscape. Now, let's meet our next contestant, whose touching story will touch your hearts.

Nicole Beauvoire has many talents. She is intelligent, seductive, and possesses the instincts of a hunter. With the sting of a scorpion she has delivered death to enough men to scar her soul forever. But to serve a higher cause, and protect the innocent, she has willingly traded any chance at salvation—until handsome Daniel McCurren steps into her life with a dire warning.

The French have set an elaborate trap to catch the beautiful assassin. Nicole doesn't trust Daniel, but the attraction that draws them together is irresistible, a mounting flame of desire that threatens to obliterate all else. And as their enemies circle ever closer, Nicole will find that the greatest risk she's ever taken is to place her life, and her heart, in the hands of a man who doesn't know her darkest secrets...

Judges' verdicts

Steve Axelrod:
Well, I have to say, Nicole's utter incompetence is a superb example of how a martyr should behave. Her determination to save the world despite having no stomach for killing people is a good start, and I love how her incompetence turns her into a self-made victim. But having said that, I'm sure I have seen better examples of hysterical self-loathing drama queens out there. There is something about Nicole that doesn't feel right to me. She lacks the star power.

Lucia Macro:
I disagree. Nicole's utter haplessness touches both ends of the rainbows and her utter incompetence is truly the glowing stars of wonderland skies. I am inspired by how she, the best assassin England has ever had, is completely upstaged by an amateur male spy, which is great because it reinforces the beautiful message that a woman's loving heart is always home at the feet of a dominating man. Her ability to shed tears without experiencing dehydration is an inspiration to histrionic martyrs everywhere, truly the glowing aurora skies of munificence aglow with sparkling gems of opulence and...

Steve Axelrod:
I have no idea what you've just said.

Lucia Macro:
That's because you're a book hustler while I am a refined editor of quality historical romances for the premiere publishing house. Trust me, darling, I know my martyrs inside, outside, and inside out.

Nathan Bransford:
I agree with Steve, there is something off-kilter about Nicole. Make no mistake, I love her hysterical tears and her inability to do anything without plenty of self-loathing and self recrimination, but did you read the first chapter? She killed someone. True, she spent the next dozen pages almost catatonic with tears and guilt, but we all know that martyrs do not kill people. People kill them. Like Steve, I've seen more beautifully incompetent, passive, and hysterical heroines out there who are far better suited to win this competition. By lifting a gun even once and killing some guy, she's violated the cardinal rule. Martyrs shouldn't and couldn't even kill in self-defense.

Steve Axelrod:
I guess that's a no from me and Nate then.

I say yes. 

Yeah, a no for me. Sorry, Nicole. You really shouldn't have pulled the trigger.

Clearly, it's the end of the line for the lady killer. Stay tuned, because coming up next: a virgin who insists on staying with her abusive family because she will not run away with a man that can't convince her that he loves her. Her story will make you choke up with emotions. 

Tags: balogh idol, parody, romance book business, romance novel tropes, satire

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